– Do we have control over our lives?
Is not the typical question expected from a 12-year-old girl. If my parents had any doubt about if their daughter was normal or not, that moment, helped them to realize I was not. Weekly sessions with a psychologist were their answer to my existential doubt.
With the time, I comprehended. It was a warning. People who don´t fit are sent away. That was the basic rule of the society and the real answer to my question.
Fitting in is not an easy task, especially, when you can´t understand some behaviors than others give for granted. Lucky me, I had TV, books and internet to guide me. I learnt how to be sympathetic and develop relationships with others.
Every day, I wake up and choose a character to play. Different masks to wear on and off, depending of my social schedule. When I began to copy characters from TV and novels, I tried to understand why they did what they did. I gave up the first week. I couldn´t do it.
It was frustrating. Not being able to see the difference between good and evil is a huge problem. Obviously, I didn´t mention it to anyone. That would have been my ticket to therapy for the rest of my life.
I am not dangerous, anyway. Not feeling bad for someone´s death, doesn´t mean I like killing or being ok with it. I just don´t care. But I can cry. I rehearse a lot.
My life was going very well. I made it through High School and college. My experiences, even fakes, were good. Not many students can say that.
I heard and witnessed terrible things during my stage as student. New lesson I learnt: achieving satisfaction hurting others is worse than no feelings at all.
The lack of punishment confused me even more. I needed to be cautious to avoid being banned from society and they could terrorize and assault freely. It wasn´t fair.
As I said, I made it alive. I stepped into the professional world and I got a job. The next phase in my life required of a partner. Man or woman, I didn´t care, but I knew heterosexual was the correct option for my character. Less questions and troubles.
Mario was a coworker of mine. He was always smiling and happy. Never had an argument with him. Of course, I had studied love relationships through films and novels and I knew what men expected from me. It didn´t take long to be, what he considered, the perfect girlfriend.
The relationship was a hard challenge for me, especially, when Mario moved into my apartment. No more breaks between performances, girl.
After four years of relationship, we married. One of the worst days of my life. Too many people, family and friends, and you are the center of attention. Lucky me, Mario enjoyed for the two of us.
Like people said, marriage spoils everything. We never had kids. Mario wanted to be a father and I… Well, you know. I was the one to blame for that. It was beyond my will, but Mario couldn´t let it pass. Living together during those years made him suspicious about me and the distance grew between him and me.
I enjoyed for a short period of freedom again until the crisis exploded. I don´t know how, but the whole office knew about Mario cheating on me before I heard it for first time. Thanks to my character, most of the office and friends were on my side. Even his mother and sisters were supporting me. They said that I was a nice person and I didn´t deserve that. Actually, I didn´t care about Mario being with other woman.
My lack of retaliation to Mario´s affair was causing problems to my daily routine and he was taking advantage of it, targeting me as the real problem.
– A normal woman does not allow that kind of behavior under her own roof, I was said.
I was losing my mask. I needed to be a real person.
One day, coming back home, Mario was with his new female partner and I acted like a normal person and cheated wife would act.
At the end, I am locked up and separated from the society. Marked for the rest of my life. I turned into a normal person. And I don´t like it.