July 1, 2005

The Presidential Press Conference That Never Was

By In Essays

What if journalists from the alternative press– not mainstream news media whores– unexpectedly showed up at one of President Bush’s press conferences and asked him real questions with real follow-ups? It might sound something like this:

President Bush: I don’t have a prepared statement, so I’ll get right to the questions. Wait a second! I don’t know any of you! Scotty, what the hell’s going on?

Scott McClellan: I don’t know, sir! Something’s gone terribly wrong! Our usual gang of ass-wipe reporters from the mainstream news aren’t here today. They’ve been replaced by these wackos from the alternative press.

PB: Sweet Jesus! You mean I won’t be able to use my rehearsed answers?

SM: Not this time, Mr. President. It looks like you’re on your own.

PB: Well, I guess I’ll just have to wing it. Heh, heh, at least Helen Thomas isn’t here. Okay, I’m ready for the first question.

Journalist #1: Mr. President, given the fact that three high-ranking government officials– your former Treasury Secretary Paul O’Neill, your former Counter-Terrorism Chief Richard Clark, and Richard Dearlove, the British government official who wrote the Downing Street Memo– all have testified that you wanted to go to war with Iraq long before the weapons inspectors went into that country, why should the American people believe anything you have to say about the war in Iraq?

PB: Because I got capital… plenty of capital from the last election.

J #1: But isn’t it true that the real reason you went to war in Iraq was because you were following a neoconservative script that included U.S. hegemony over the Middle East, the takeover of Iraqi oil, and the alignment of our government with the right wing in Israel? And didn’t you fix the facts about WMD and the Al Qaeda connection to Saddam and lie to the American people because you thought it would be a quick and easy war and no one would notice?

PB: Well, you know, heh, heh, Saddam did try to kill my dad.

J #1: You didn’t answer my question, sir. Let me put it this way: If you believe the war in Iraq is a just cause worth fighting and dying for, are you going to encourage your daughters to sign up and fight in the war?

PB: Well, uh, heh, heh, they’re pretty strong-willed girls. They take after their mom, you know– except for the drinkin’, so I guess I’ll leave that up to them.

J #1: Mr. President, be honest. You know they have no intention of signing up.

PB: (Long pause) Did I tell you that I got a lot of capital to spend in my second term?

J #2: Mr. President, by this time, every major scientist and researcher in the world not connected to the fossil fuels industry believes that global warming is at least in part caused by burning carbon-based fuel. Why do you insist on denying this, and why do you refuse to promote a green agenda?

PB: Hmmmgreen agenda. Want to buy some wood?

J #2: Mr. President, I’m talking about alternative energy sources, like wind power and solar technology.

PB: I know that! Which is why I’m in favor of promoting nookular power.

J #2: (Shakes his head and lets one of his colleagues try his luck.)

J #3: Mr. President, let me ask you a question about the economy. Because of your tax cuts and economic policies, we have a huge budget deficit, the super rich are paying less taxes than they have since before the Depression, and many large corporations pay no tax at all. At the same time, you have been cutting funds for many important social programs while you’ve squandered $300 billion dollars in Iraq. Do you think this is fair to average citizens, especially in view of the fact that millions of Americans can’t afford health care and their standard of living continues to decline?

PB: Well, we’ve got to starve the beast, you know, make government smaller–and, heh, heh, make sure the haves and have-mores get their fair share.

J #3: But don’t you realize that if you ignore the needs of working class and middle class citizens while the super rich get even richer, this eventually will lead to an economic meltdown and violence in the streets? And when that day comes, what will you say to the angry mob when they come looking for you?

PB: Bring ’em on

J #3: That’s pretty bold talk coming from a guy who used his daddy’s influence to get him out of going to Vietnam. Aren’t you ever embarrassed by your own incredible hypocrisy?

PB: I don’t really think about it because I got Jesus in my heart.

J #3: Would Jesus enrich the most affluent members of our society at the expense of average citizens? Would Jesus send Americans to their deaths in an unnecessary war? Would Jesus allow the torture of human beings at Gitmo and Abu Graib?

PB: Well, all I can say is, uh, Mission accomplished! No, wait. Stay the course!

J #4: Mr. President, isn’t it a fact that Fox news is really a propaganda arm of your administration? And isn’t it true that since you have been in office, you and Karl Rove have intimidated and manipulated the mainstream news media so much that they are no longer a credible source of news and information?

PB: I kinda like that O’Reilly guy– and Sean Hannity, too! The rest of the reporters– I don’t really think about them.

J #4: Like you don’t think about Osama bin Laden.

GB: There ya go! Now you’re catching on.

J #5: Speaking of bin Laden, are you ever going to answer all the questions about 9/11 and how your administration may have been complicit in its planning and execution?

GB: Well, heh, heh, why would we want to do something like that?

J #5: Because prior to 9/11, your popularity was dropping like a rock and you wanted to distract individuals from the stolen presidential election of 2000. In addition, you needed a national catastrophe to unify the country behind you so you could promote your corporate fascist agenda.

GB: Heh, heh, you got quite an imagination, boy! I’d have to be a real ruthless sombitch to do something like that. What’s your name anyway? Scotty, make sure you get this boy’s name and give it to Karl. This press conference is over!

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